To hell and back

 I went through 5 months of excruciatingly horrible post partum depression, a very common, yet taboo to talk about, condition. For reasons that haunt me to this day, I never took one pill or talked to many people, including my doctor, about it. I just suffered in my own hell, felt like a horrible mother & wife. As quickly as it came, it ended abruptly at 5 months and I felt amazing. I could see situations clearly, when before I felt clouded by uncontrollable emotions all the time. I felt like I could breath instead of  that daily feeling of suffocation with all the demands of motherhood. I instantly became a better friend, mommy, wife and daughter. I was able to COPE. I apologized to a lot of people, most of which stuck by my side even though they had no idea what really was going on and chalked it up to stress and the addition of a new baby and new responsibilities. Some never quite understood and got upset at my behavior, but thats ok. Unless you have been through post partum depression, you cant fully understand how it affects your body and your life. I've learned that most people are incapable of putting themselves in others shoes even if it is just to feel sympathetic to a sitaution.

Even though what was happening to me was completely out of my control, I felt a lot of guilt. Its not the right time to be having, what I thought at the time, was a nervous breakdown. How could I be so selfish and not have it together for my family and especially my new baby? I struggled to feel normal on a daily basis. Now, it's hard for me to look at pictures of an unrecognizable Lucas when he was an infant without tearing up. It pisses me off that I wasn't able to recognize what was happening not only for me, but for HIM. I remember very few details of Lucas' first 5 months. Who knows why.

If I had to do it all over again, I would've spoken up. I would have gotten the help I needed to cope with a very difficult and confusing time in my life. When I look back now I realize that I had similar symptoms with Sofia (my first child) for about 2 months. Its insane to me that most likely I went through post partum depression with Sofia and didnt even realize it till two years later.

I know it sounds cliche, but I feel like going through post partum depression made me a better person who is now more understanding of myself and of others. Going through this made me realize the body is fragile and should be taken care of (something I still don't do a good enough job of!). I also have a better appreciation for my husband, my family and the friends who were there for me.

Some facts for those interested :) http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmedhealth/PMH0004481/

back, again.

I'm back! yes, yet again...

The journey that is motherhood is a complicated one. For me, that 'perfect' vision of my husband and I and a bunch of little ones running around, is not at all what I expected. Since the last time I was on here we welcomed our baby boy, Lucas. He is now 17 months, Sofia is almost 36 months and hubby and I are about 399 months, a little over 33 years for those of you too lazy to do the math :)....... and we are now a family of 4.

Writing has always been something therapeutic for me in difficult times, which is the main reason why I'm back. Women who become mothers tend to forget that they once had a life, hobbies and things they loved before 'the kids.' Most never revisit those things. Im determined to not let that be me! I want to start at the beginning with a heavy topic, but a very truthful one. The fun stuff is soon to come!

Nursery Feature

This is long overdue, but I would like to extend a HUGE thank you to:

Nicole Abbott!

Nicole Abbott is the founder and editor of Cheap & Chic Nursery! Back in April, she featured Sofia's old nursery. You can check it out here. Enjoy!

Splurges

What I want to splurge on right now ($650):

What I'm actually splurging on right now (about $2.99 and very fattening!):

Plans, Expectations and Reality

Of course, when things are going smoothly you tend to get bored. Life as a mommy has been great for me. I had an easy newborn. She slept through the night, never cried much, was content to play alone and not be held too much and ate like a champ. She was fun, happy and healthy! What more could you ask for? Apparently, the answer to that question is: ANOTHER BABY!

Hubby and I went back and forth for a long time trying to decide when the 'right time' would be to start trying for baby #2. We were so enamored with Sofia that we couldn't wait to do everything all over again. I had a dream pregnancy with Sofia (except for a few snafu's at the end) but nothing so crazy as to scare me away from another 9 months of the bliss of being pregnant. So why not?

The original plan was to wait until Sofia was 14-16 months old. We figured it would take a while to get pregnant so we started trying when Sofia was 11 months. I got pregnant with Lucas when Sofia was......wait for it......11 months! So much for 'taking a while.' :) Sofia is now 16 months and I am 23 weeks along (about 6 days away from starting my 7th month - phew!).

I went into this pregnancy with a really positive attitude, thinking - hoping, that it would be like my first. I was wrong. I had about 6 weeks of pretty intense morning sickness. To be perfectly honest, it was more like morning, noon & night sickness. It is horrific to feel nauseated (carsick explains it perfectly) all day. With Sofia I had about a week and a half of mild car sickness, which I breezed through with some trusty crackers by my side. From weeks 13 to about NOW it's been great, but it's slowly starting to get harder and harder.

You can never anticipate what it's going to be like to be pregnant and have a toddler running around. IT'S HARD! I have gained 10 pounds total (not much, but quickly, all in the last 2 months) and it might as well be 30, because I feel it everywhere. Thanks to how quickly I gained those 10 pounds I found my first small, yet horrifying pregnancy stretch mark (I was completely stretch mark free with Sofia)! My joints hurt a lot this time, especially my ankles, knees & hips. My back is hurting a lot also, all of it, not just my lower back. With my first pregnancy I wasn't working. I had all the time in the world to nap, relax, go to yoga, & shop. Plus, tons of extra energy to do anything else.....For this pregnancy, once you throw in my toddlers daily needs, I have a couple of hours left of free time. Wait, what? A couple of hours sounds like plenty of time? 2 hours IS a long time, but not when you have a new house to take care of (just moved in 3 months ago), a husband who comes home hungry, laundry that needs to be done, an hour yoga class that I would love to go to once in a while, a nursery to finish, and some alone time would be nice, maybe a longer-than-2-minute-shower (please?!). Plus, everyone knows that being pregnant & hormonal is exhausting. It hurts to bend over too much, there is no comfortable position and by the end of the day I am sick tired. Literally, feeling sick.

So, whats a fairly young (31), pregnant, already mommy of 1 energetic toddler, to do?....GIVE UP!....

I give up.....I went into this wholeheartedly ready for a rough time, but geez, really? lol I cannot and decidedly won't, try to be superwoman. Somethings gotta give and it can't be my sanity. I love my Sofia to pieces and she needs to be my main priority along with Lucas who cannot be well if I'm not well.

I know it all sounds like complaining, but I should be allowed to complain. Anyone who has been in my position can relate, right? I am completely grateful for my new home, my family, my health and this new baby in my tummy, but I can't deny that things are sometimes too much for me to handle. I am bracing myself for some rougher times ahead with my last three months of pregnancy coming up and the first 3-4 months with a newborn. I just have to take a deep breath and repeat the new mommy mantra I hear so many people say all the time:

IT'LL GET BETTER SOON! :)

Back On

To say that I neglect this blog is truely an understatement! You never know exactly how life will change when you become a mommy. I am busier than ever with Sofia, who is now 16 months old.....TODAY! She is a vivacious, beautiful little munchkin. Well, not so little anymore. She is a whopping 33.5" tall and weighs in at 24 pounds. She is gorgeous, no seriously...I know every mommy says that, but I swear it's true! ;) She loves TV, specifically, Yo Gabba Gabba. Loves dancing & eating all kinds of different foods. She runs around like crazy all day and babbles more than ANY other baby....in the world, I think!

I'm still a stay at home mommy, which can be challenging at times (more on that later!) and the biggest news of all is that I'm expecting, again! I am 22 weeks along with Lucas - our little baby BOY! Here is Sofia:

And here is Lucas at 22 weeks <3:

Mothers Day

It's my first mothers day!! We actually turned it into a mothers day weekend. My mom, dad and grandmother were in town. Saturday we had lunch at a local Brazilian restaurant that we all love and Sofia's grandparents decided to let us have a mothers day date on Saturday night. Hubby and I enjoyed a nice romantic sushi dinner. We had a nice low-key day on Sunday. The day started with presents and cards in the morning, breakfast at the brazilian bakery and then a big group lunch with the in-laws. Sofia wore the cutest yellow dress. She looked like a little angel. :)

SleepFULL Nights

Sofia is a dream baby...She pretty much has slept through the night since she was born! Trust me, I know how lucky we are ;)

We are currently trying to work out a good sleeping schedule and it goes like this:

1. A bath every other day around 8:15, which is working out great! It took her about a month and a half to actually start liking the bath, though. In the beginning, she would turn purple from crying hysterically and it was stressful for all three of us - mommy, daddy and baby!

2. After a 15 minute bath or so, she nurses while she listens to her playlist on my I-Pod (usually Jewels lullabies, Enya or the rock-a-bye baby CD's) She usually nurses for about 30-40 minutes, then the lights go out for a small bottle of formula.

3. 9:00ish - We put her in her crib pretty drowsy by this time, but awake and the music changes to ocean sounds. She lays there for 30-40 minutes and falls fast asleep on her own with no crying or fussing!!!

4. 9:45ish - Mommy and daddy time and she usually sleeps til 5-5:30am (sometimes 6!) She rocks!

We've been on this schedule for a week now. Tonight we're hoping for an 8:30 bedtime. :)

Hiatus is over!...Hopefully.

Took a brief little break from blogging to enjoy my baby girls first two months out of my tummy. It has been a whirlwind!! We have been getting to know eachother pretty well and things are running pretty smoothly in the de Souza household. We are loving our time with Sofia & watching how she grows and changes. She was born at 6lbs 5oz. and 21.5" long. Now, at 9 weeks, she's over 11lbs and 23" or so. I'm guessing because we haven't been to our 2 month appointment yet for an official weigh-in and measurements yet. It's really astonishing how fast my munchkin is growing!

Now that I feel more comfortable with her, I'll have more time for Friago PlusOne ;)

D-DAY

My baby girl is here! Sofia Evoli de Souza was born on February 28th, 2010 at 6:48pm after two loooooong failed inductions. She came in at 6lbs. 5oz and 20.5" long. Waaay smaller than I thought she would be. Last minute I got diagnosed with Pre-eclampsia (not fun) so I ended up having a c-section.

She was absolutely gorgeous from the moment she came out. Screaming like crazy of course!

Meet SOFIA:

I'll be posting details of the delivery and more pictures of Sofia soon!

Rainy Day Stuff

I love dark & gloomy, rainy days. They make you just wanna open the window, listen to the rain as you lay in bed and watch a movie. If you're lucky, while snuggling up to hubby next to you! I'm not that lucky, hubby is working like a mad man to free up his schedule for Sofia's arrival. Soooo, since I'm all alone all day, I decided to blog about some random fun things.

My mom bought hubby a great new book! He loved it...Until he opened it up and some key words caught his eye & freaked him out! LOL...Words like drugs, alcohol and sex :) I can't wait for him to read it & to hear all about the

10 secrets!

While I was out shopping with my mom, I picked a book for me:

Except I got the third newly revised edition (the one with the pink cover). I am really looking forward to reading up on all the crazy, fun or scary things Sofia will do or experience. I still want to purchase a book called 'The Happiest Baby on the Block.' I've heard only good things about how it helps to calm and soothe babies.

Hubster and I just made a super exciting purchase! We took out our camcorder to get it ready for Sofia and it was broken! :( So, it was out to the store to buy another. We decided on the Sony Handycam and we looove it. Here it is:

I know I would've loved to see video of my mom pregnant with me. I can't wait to show Sofia everything! Although she might be 20 years old before she even cares! ;)

Bump Wear

Pretty much for my entire pregnancy I've been able to wear 'normal' clothes. Normal meaning non-maternity clothes! :) I was so happy to be able to shop at regular stores like Macy's & Express. Now that I'm about to pop there are absolutely essentials that I couldn't live without:

Jeans:

Around 5-1/2 months I got sick of having to carry around rubberbands to close my jeans and visited Motherhood Maternity for the first time. NOT FUN. There isn't much to chose from, but I figured jeans shouldn't be too hard to find. I'm 5'-10"....I found 1 pair of jeans that come in size TALL. 1!! Come on people, give the tall girls something to chose from! Thank god they had at least 1 pair because all the other jeans made me look like I was waiting for a flood! LOL... Here they are, not bad:

Stretchy pants & Tanks:

Marshalls carries Green Apple yoga/workout pants that I wore pre-pregnancy. They have now transitioned for me as maternity wear! Same size and everything :) I know, LUCKY! They are amazingly comfortable and cute....Nice enough to wear pretty much anywhere - daytime, of course, and they are relatively inexpensive ($14.99-$24.99)

Cotton Tanks are also great! I got mine at Motherhood Maternity sometimes, but Target was usually more convenient for me. Get them in EVERY color so you can mix it up ($9.99).

Shoes:

Throughout my entire pregnancy I wore Havaianas! I love them. They are cute, comfortable and most importantly.....THEY FIT! Now that I'm 9 months pregnant its prettty much the only thing I can wear. :)

Maternity Session

We got our maternity session photographs and I couldn't be happier with them! They look absolutely beautiful. The location was amazing, I was super happy with the outfits we picked out and the photographer (Karen Lisa) captured some really precious moments. There are 60+ photos so I'll just show you some of my faves. Karen will also be shooting Sofia after she's born at about 7 days old. I cannot wait for that day!! The excitement is literally overwhelming.

We've already had a lot of people asking about our photographer. I 100% recommend her! She made us feel really comfortable and the laid back feel of the photos is exactly what we wanted. Check out her site!
Karen Lisa Artistic Photography

37 weeks

Feeling like a blimp!! lol...Good days and kinda crappy days now, but finally passed 'THE' 37th week. Sofia can finally come out safely from now on. Whether or not she will is a different story! The most horrible part of these last three weeks is the swelling. The swelling of my feet, my hands and, especially horrible, of my face! Hanging in there & waiting for my baby girl!

Uncle Nick

My little brother is going to be an uncle for the first time & I'm so excited for him! He teaches people how to fly helicopters for a living (how cool is that?!) Here he is, looking all top gun! lol

I was shopping at Target and discovered their Dwell Studio line - Helicopter themed! It's supposed to be for boys, but I picked out an outfit that was pretty neutral. Besides, all we need are some earrings and a little bow in her hair and we're all girlied out! Can't wait to have her rep for her uncle. Hopefully, soon, we'll have a photo of her in this outift with her uncle by a helicopter!

Haiti Relief

The amazing neighborhood that we live in decided to do a drive with the Salvation Army for Haiti. Everytime I watch the coverage of the Haiti Earthquake what impacts me the most is all of the kids walking around aimlessly, scared & without family. One of the requests for things needed were kids items. I ran out to big lots right away determined to buy all kinds of fun distract-me-from-the-chaos stuff! Our neighborhood consists of 412 units & the pick-up was from 3-6pm. I showed up around 4pm so the pictures I got were only a fraction of what was collected! I love it when people can get together for a good cause. Makes ya all warm inside!! :)

New Threads for Sofia

Daddy loves anything that says that his little girl loves him!

& mommy is hoping that this is true! (daddy is probably not...lol)

36 Weeks

Sloowly, but surely I'm getting better from the Bells Palsy! The only major downside of Bells Palsy (other than loooking extremely strange at the beginning) is the medicine to treat it! Even though nothing really hurts, you usually get prescribed an anti-inflammatory med called Prednisone for that inflamed nerve on the right side of my face. The side effects of this medicine are HORRIBLE and annoying. You retain tons of fluid with this medicine especially in the face and neck. This is my second 5 day cycle and for the last cycle I gained and then lost again 5 pounds of water weight all in a span of 4-6 days. NOT FUN....Now with the second cycle, I am retaining water weight again. I feel like miss piggy! lol & i miss my neck and jawline. Can't wait til tomorrow when the cycle is finally over.

Here is a belly shot from my 36th week:

Representing my daughters other half - her brazilian side! :)

Little shoes

How could someone not fall in love with shoes that are so tiny that they fit in the palm of your hand?! Newborn shoes are a little unnecessary, but still we all drool and oooh & ahhh when we see them. The companies that are overcharging like crazy for them have the right idea! I'm a sucker and here are some of the shoes my little girl already has:

Converse

Polo Ralph Lauren

Pedi Ped

35 Week Surprise

At 35 weeks

I AM:

Hungry 24/7, feeling huge, being forced to rest (booooring!)

feeling like my belly button is going to do something weird - like POP!...

hands are sore, tossing & turning all night - getting little sleep, but napping from time to time. I'm not really smiling in this picture, this is why:

Now here's some crappy news - I woke up last Tuesday morning with a numb tongue. Ok, I thought it was strange, but continued on with my day normally. By the end of the day my food tasted funny, my teeth felt numb, and when I brushed my teeth my lips were so numb I couldn't pucker my mouth to spit! Now I'm feeling a little scared. My neck is also hurting right behind my ear - there is a throbbing pain. I'm medically savvy enough to know that this is something with my nervous system. It seems to only be affecting the right side of my face. It was already 11pm so I went to bed. I woke up Wednesday morning and my right eye was tearing and I couldn't raise my eyebrow.

I OFFICALLY FREAKED OUT!

It was 8:20am and the OB's office didn't open til 9am. Hubby stuck around till then to hear what she had to say. He was concerned. I could see it in his face, but he was trying to not freak me out more than I already was. They finally call me back to tell me to go to the Emergency Room. Great...Those were probably the last words in the world that I wanted to hear...
After visiting the ER, going to see my OB, picking up some meds, & visiting a neurologist. I officially have Bells Palsy...

BELLS PALSY:

a disfunction of cranial nerve VII (the facial nerve) that results in inability to control facial muscles on the affected side.

I am completely thankful that this is something that Sofia knows nothing about! She has no idea whats going on and it doesn't affect her at all. It does however affect me. :( I can't smile...Well, I can, but only on one side so it looks pretty funny. It makes you a little self conscious when it's something that is in such an obvious place. Right on your face!

Now 6 days later, I have regained some mobility in my mouth. Before I couldn't move the right side of my mouth at all. Now I can move it a little. It was a big enough deal to get a high five from hubby when I showed him!

Bells Palsy is more common than I knew, according to the neurologist and it is 3 times more likely to happen to pregnant women. Like we don't suffer enough! lol...I feel much better knowing that this is temporary. I feel fine, it's just horribly uncomfortable to look so weird.

I'll absolutely be posting a picture of me smiling really big when I get better! Stay tuned... :) :)