Wednesday, March 20, 2013

To hell and back

 I went through 5 months of excruciatingly horrible post partum depression, a very common, yet taboo to talk about, condition. For reasons that haunt me to this day, I never took one pill or talked to many people, including my doctor, about it. I just suffered in my own hell, felt like a horrible mother & wife. As quickly as it came, it ended abruptly at 5 months and I felt amazing. I could see situations clearly, when before I felt clouded by uncontrollable emotions all the time. I felt like I could breath instead of  that daily feeling of suffocation with all the demands of motherhood. I instantly became a better friend, mommy, wife and daughter. I was able to COPE. I apologized to a lot of people, most of which stuck by my side even though they had no idea what really was going on and chalked it up to stress and the addition of a new baby and new responsibilities. Some never quite understood and got upset at my behavior, but thats ok. Unless you have been through post partum depression, you cant fully understand how it affects your body and your life. I've learned that most people are incapable of putting themselves in others shoes even if it is just to feel sympathetic to a sitaution.

Even though what was happening to me was completely out of my control, I felt a lot of guilt. Its not the right time to be having, what I thought at the time, was a nervous breakdown. How could I be so selfish and not have it together for my family and especially my new baby? I struggled to feel normal on a daily basis. Now, it's hard for me to look at pictures of an unrecognizable Lucas when he was an infant without tearing up. It pisses me off that I wasn't able to recognize what was happening not only for me, but for HIM. I remember very few details of Lucas' first 5 months. Who knows why.

If I had to do it all over again, I would've spoken up. I would have gotten the help I needed to cope with a very difficult and confusing time in my life. When I look back now I realize that I had similar symptoms with Sofia (my first child) for about 2 months. Its insane to me that most likely I went through post partum depression with Sofia and didnt even realize it till two years later.

I know it sounds cliche, but I feel like going through post partum depression made me a better person who is now more understanding of myself and of others. Going through this made me realize the body is fragile and should be taken care of (something I still don't do a good enough job of!). I also have a better appreciation for my husband, my family and the friends who were there for me.

Some facts for those interested :)

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