To hell and back

 I went through 5 months of excruciatingly horrible post partum depression, a very common, yet taboo to talk about, condition. For reasons that haunt me to this day, I never took one pill or talked to many people, including my doctor, about it. I just suffered in my own hell, felt like a horrible mother & wife. As quickly as it came, it ended abruptly at 5 months and I felt amazing. I could see situations clearly, when before I felt clouded by uncontrollable emotions all the time. I felt like I could breath instead of  that daily feeling of suffocation with all the demands of motherhood. I instantly became a better friend, mommy, wife and daughter. I was able to COPE. I apologized to a lot of people, most of which stuck by my side even though they had no idea what really was going on and chalked it up to stress and the addition of a new baby and new responsibilities. Some never quite understood and got upset at my behavior, but thats ok. Unless you have been through post partum depression, you cant fully understand how it affects your body and your life. I've learned that most people are incapable of putting themselves in others shoes even if it is just to feel sympathetic to a sitaution.

Even though what was happening to me was completely out of my control, I felt a lot of guilt. Its not the right time to be having, what I thought at the time, was a nervous breakdown. How could I be so selfish and not have it together for my family and especially my new baby? I struggled to feel normal on a daily basis. Now, it's hard for me to look at pictures of an unrecognizable Lucas when he was an infant without tearing up. It pisses me off that I wasn't able to recognize what was happening not only for me, but for HIM. I remember very few details of Lucas' first 5 months. Who knows why.

If I had to do it all over again, I would've spoken up. I would have gotten the help I needed to cope with a very difficult and confusing time in my life. When I look back now I realize that I had similar symptoms with Sofia (my first child) for about 2 months. Its insane to me that most likely I went through post partum depression with Sofia and didnt even realize it till two years later.

I know it sounds cliche, but I feel like going through post partum depression made me a better person who is now more understanding of myself and of others. Going through this made me realize the body is fragile and should be taken care of (something I still don't do a good enough job of!). I also have a better appreciation for my husband, my family and the friends who were there for me.

Some facts for those interested :) http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmedhealth/PMH0004481/

back, again.

I'm back! yes, yet again...

The journey that is motherhood is a complicated one. For me, that 'perfect' vision of my husband and I and a bunch of little ones running around, is not at all what I expected. Since the last time I was on here we welcomed our baby boy, Lucas. He is now 17 months, Sofia is almost 36 months and hubby and I are about 399 months, a little over 33 years for those of you too lazy to do the math :)....... and we are now a family of 4.

Writing has always been something therapeutic for me in difficult times, which is the main reason why I'm back. Women who become mothers tend to forget that they once had a life, hobbies and things they loved before 'the kids.' Most never revisit those things. Im determined to not let that be me! I want to start at the beginning with a heavy topic, but a very truthful one. The fun stuff is soon to come!

Nursery Feature

This is long overdue, but I would like to extend a HUGE thank you to:

Nicole Abbott!

Nicole Abbott is the founder and editor of Cheap & Chic Nursery! Back in April, she featured Sofia's old nursery. You can check it out here. Enjoy!

Splurges

What I want to splurge on right now ($650):

What I'm actually splurging on right now (about $2.99 and very fattening!):

Plans, Expectations and Reality

Of course, when things are going smoothly you tend to get bored. Life as a mommy has been great for me. I had an easy newborn. She slept through the night, never cried much, was content to play alone and not be held too much and ate like a champ. She was fun, happy and healthy! What more could you ask for? Apparently, the answer to that question is: ANOTHER BABY!

Hubby and I went back and forth for a long time trying to decide when the 'right time' would be to start trying for baby #2. We were so enamored with Sofia that we couldn't wait to do everything all over again. I had a dream pregnancy with Sofia (except for a few snafu's at the end) but nothing so crazy as to scare me away from another 9 months of the bliss of being pregnant. So why not?

The original plan was to wait until Sofia was 14-16 months old. We figured it would take a while to get pregnant so we started trying when Sofia was 11 months. I got pregnant with Lucas when Sofia was......wait for it......11 months! So much for 'taking a while.' :) Sofia is now 16 months and I am 23 weeks along (about 6 days away from starting my 7th month - phew!).

I went into this pregnancy with a really positive attitude, thinking - hoping, that it would be like my first. I was wrong. I had about 6 weeks of pretty intense morning sickness. To be perfectly honest, it was more like morning, noon & night sickness. It is horrific to feel nauseated (carsick explains it perfectly) all day. With Sofia I had about a week and a half of mild car sickness, which I breezed through with some trusty crackers by my side. From weeks 13 to about NOW it's been great, but it's slowly starting to get harder and harder.

You can never anticipate what it's going to be like to be pregnant and have a toddler running around. IT'S HARD! I have gained 10 pounds total (not much, but quickly, all in the last 2 months) and it might as well be 30, because I feel it everywhere. Thanks to how quickly I gained those 10 pounds I found my first small, yet horrifying pregnancy stretch mark (I was completely stretch mark free with Sofia)! My joints hurt a lot this time, especially my ankles, knees & hips. My back is hurting a lot also, all of it, not just my lower back. With my first pregnancy I wasn't working. I had all the time in the world to nap, relax, go to yoga, & shop. Plus, tons of extra energy to do anything else.....For this pregnancy, once you throw in my toddlers daily needs, I have a couple of hours left of free time. Wait, what? A couple of hours sounds like plenty of time? 2 hours IS a long time, but not when you have a new house to take care of (just moved in 3 months ago), a husband who comes home hungry, laundry that needs to be done, an hour yoga class that I would love to go to once in a while, a nursery to finish, and some alone time would be nice, maybe a longer-than-2-minute-shower (please?!). Plus, everyone knows that being pregnant & hormonal is exhausting. It hurts to bend over too much, there is no comfortable position and by the end of the day I am sick tired. Literally, feeling sick.

So, whats a fairly young (31), pregnant, already mommy of 1 energetic toddler, to do?....GIVE UP!....

I give up.....I went into this wholeheartedly ready for a rough time, but geez, really? lol I cannot and decidedly won't, try to be superwoman. Somethings gotta give and it can't be my sanity. I love my Sofia to pieces and she needs to be my main priority along with Lucas who cannot be well if I'm not well.

I know it all sounds like complaining, but I should be allowed to complain. Anyone who has been in my position can relate, right? I am completely grateful for my new home, my family, my health and this new baby in my tummy, but I can't deny that things are sometimes too much for me to handle. I am bracing myself for some rougher times ahead with my last three months of pregnancy coming up and the first 3-4 months with a newborn. I just have to take a deep breath and repeat the new mommy mantra I hear so many people say all the time:

IT'LL GET BETTER SOON! :)

Back On

To say that I neglect this blog is truely an understatement! You never know exactly how life will change when you become a mommy. I am busier than ever with Sofia, who is now 16 months old.....TODAY! She is a vivacious, beautiful little munchkin. Well, not so little anymore. She is a whopping 33.5" tall and weighs in at 24 pounds. She is gorgeous, no seriously...I know every mommy says that, but I swear it's true! ;) She loves TV, specifically, Yo Gabba Gabba. Loves dancing & eating all kinds of different foods. She runs around like crazy all day and babbles more than ANY other baby....in the world, I think!

I'm still a stay at home mommy, which can be challenging at times (more on that later!) and the biggest news of all is that I'm expecting, again! I am 22 weeks along with Lucas - our little baby BOY! Here is Sofia:

And here is Lucas at 22 weeks <3:

Mothers Day

It's my first mothers day!! We actually turned it into a mothers day weekend. My mom, dad and grandmother were in town. Saturday we had lunch at a local Brazilian restaurant that we all love and Sofia's grandparents decided to let us have a mothers day date on Saturday night. Hubby and I enjoyed a nice romantic sushi dinner. We had a nice low-key day on Sunday. The day started with presents and cards in the morning, breakfast at the brazilian bakery and then a big group lunch with the in-laws. Sofia wore the cutest yellow dress. She looked like a little angel. :)

SleepFULL Nights

Sofia is a dream baby...She pretty much has slept through the night since she was born! Trust me, I know how lucky we are ;)

We are currently trying to work out a good sleeping schedule and it goes like this:

1. A bath every other day around 8:15, which is working out great! It took her about a month and a half to actually start liking the bath, though. In the beginning, she would turn purple from crying hysterically and it was stressful for all three of us - mommy, daddy and baby!

2. After a 15 minute bath or so, she nurses while she listens to her playlist on my I-Pod (usually Jewels lullabies, Enya or the rock-a-bye baby CD's) She usually nurses for about 30-40 minutes, then the lights go out for a small bottle of formula.

3. 9:00ish - We put her in her crib pretty drowsy by this time, but awake and the music changes to ocean sounds. She lays there for 30-40 minutes and falls fast asleep on her own with no crying or fussing!!!

4. 9:45ish - Mommy and daddy time and she usually sleeps til 5-5:30am (sometimes 6!) She rocks!

We've been on this schedule for a week now. Tonight we're hoping for an 8:30 bedtime. :)

Hiatus is over!...Hopefully.

Took a brief little break from blogging to enjoy my baby girls first two months out of my tummy. It has been a whirlwind!! We have been getting to know eachother pretty well and things are running pretty smoothly in the de Souza household. We are loving our time with Sofia & watching how she grows and changes. She was born at 6lbs 5oz. and 21.5" long. Now, at 9 weeks, she's over 11lbs and 23" or so. I'm guessing because we haven't been to our 2 month appointment yet for an official weigh-in and measurements yet. It's really astonishing how fast my munchkin is growing!

Now that I feel more comfortable with her, I'll have more time for Friago PlusOne ;)

D-DAY

My baby girl is here! Sofia Evoli de Souza was born on February 28th, 2010 at 6:48pm after two loooooong failed inductions. She came in at 6lbs. 5oz and 20.5" long. Waaay smaller than I thought she would be. Last minute I got diagnosed with Pre-eclampsia (not fun) so I ended up having a c-section.

She was absolutely gorgeous from the moment she came out. Screaming like crazy of course!

Meet SOFIA:

I'll be posting details of the delivery and more pictures of Sofia soon!